Advice on Talking to Family

[emilyp]

I was diagnosed with Celiacs disease in 2008 and immediately moved to a gluten-free diet. I went to a paleo and modified autoimmune protocol diet a year ago this month to deal with other issues like continued digestive problems, terrible eczema, asthma, insomnia, and depression to name a few. I am finally healthy and feeling (not to mention acting) more human, and my mother-in-law has never been very supportive and has even gone so far as to tell me it is all in my head. She doesn't seem to care and actually treats me as an inconvenience sometimes. I've lost count how many family dinners I have shown up to and not been able to eat ANYTHING or eaten something she says is ok and gotten sick! My 3-year old son has tested negative for Celiacs but reacts with digestive and behavioral issues if he has gluten so he in now gluten-free as well as completely dairy-free.  She is consistently feeding him both as well and doesn't really seem to care.  She also thinks "just a little" is ok.  I react very badly to nightshades and they had us over for dinner last night for my birthday.  I sent her several texts reminding her of what I could and could not have - and I sent texts so it would be in writing and she could refer back to it if needed - but still we showed up and there were tomatoes in the salad, pimientos in the olives, corn starch-laden powdered sugar ALL over the macaroons she had made, plus nuts and eggs.  Things I told her I couldn't have.  She gets defensive and I just try and make the best of it.  I ate what I thought I could - according to what she told me - and I was having a reaction by the end of the meal.  I am still dealing with a very uncomfortable eczema flare and minor stomach upset.  She thinks she is trying - and I am always sure to tell her I appreciate it - but through the meal she and my FIL kept going on about everything I couldn't have and I would just have to make them a check list and implying about picky eaters and I wanted to bawl.  I am NOT PICKY.  If I refuse something it is because it will make me SICK.  It hurt my feelings and made me feel uncomfortable, like an inconvenience, and unwelcome.  At my own birthday dinner.  Not to mention hungry!  I'm at a loss.  I've tried talking to her but it falls on deaf ears.  Do I let her know this time?  I would want to know if our roles were reversed, but as I said she gets very defensive and most of the time I regret bringing it up.  I just try and avoid having her prepare a meal for me as much as possible but they'd been bugging us for months so we gave in (usually we'll suggest a restaurant to meet at we know is easy for me to eat at).  I have no idea what to do.  Any advice out there?!  Thanks a bunch! <3

[rheagan]

Oh, Emily, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I know how hurtful it can be! Food and dietary restrictions have become a battle ground with my husband's family, too. DH has tested negative for Celiacs, but he has a severe gluten sensitivity (runs quite strongly in his family). My ILs don't "believe" in gluten sensitivity/intolerance. We never knew for sure if what we ate at their place was safe or not until DH had a reaction. We simply haven't eaten at their place since I started having my health issues and went AIP. They are really quite derogatory about the whole "food as medicine" concept. If a doctor didn't prescribe it, it's not useful.

Suggesting a restaurant is a really good place to start. The other thing that I've done that seems to work well with my ILs is asking/saying what you'll bring to contribute to the meal if they are really insistent on having dinner at their house. Then at least you'll know what you brought is safe! If they tell you not to bring anything, I'd still bring something anyways. You're just trying to be a good guest ;-)

[emilyp]

Thanks! Yes, I have done that! First, I was raised it simply was the polite thing to do, but then you always know there is something you can eat! They aren't the only family members we have dealt with this with so I have learned I usually offer to bring a side dish. It is something I can share yet something hearty enough to make a meal of for me and the little one if there is nothing else we can eat! Some people oddly get offended by that, but I would feel horrible if one of them came to my house and ONE, left hungry because there was nothing they could eat, and TWO, felt unwelcome!!

Our family is Christian and my in-laws are quite religious and I definitely believe in the power of prayer and God's ability to heal my body, but in their eyes then that is it and I should live as if it's done and not do anything! We have no beliefs about refusing medical help, but this has been an issue with them in the past. I was diagnosed with incompetent cervix and we have lost two babies. When the doctors recommended I get a cerclage, or a stitch in my cervix, to reinforce it they were downright critical of it and accused me of having no faith! (See why I don't spend time with them until I absolutely can't avoid it?!)

Until a year ago we basically lived together - they lived in a trailer twenty feet from our front door. I am not exaggerating. Since then I only get together with them when I have to because they can be very critical and downright toxic and that breaks my heart. All of my family lives in the Midwest where I am in Southern California and I can't see them whenever I want to. Them we can; they now live about 30 minutes away. It feels so unfair.

My husband just wants me to let this one go and he actually wonders if I just brought the reaction on myself from stress or if it was compounded by a bit of cross-contamination maybe. He is very supportive but I was dreading the get-together for days and we always feel rather uncomfortable with them so he wonders if I just stressed myself out. I don't know. Regardless, this is an issue and I appreciate your input.

I got criticism and skepticism from several people when I went paleo and AIP last year and I don't really care what anyone thinks. I am the healthiest I have been as long as I can remember, but I don't understand why they aren't just happy for me - or why yours aren't for you. Regardless of where we are in life or what we are doing the people we should ALWAYS be able to count on, NO MATTER WHAT, are our parents. I hope it gets better for you. You and your husband deserve better. You are doing what is right for you and your health. It's not always easy and convenient, but it is right, and you need support and encouragement now more than ever!

I felt so alone this time last year. I was SOOO! miserable but other than my husband I had no one I could talk to. I tried. I read Sarah's book and it changed the entire way I look at my diet. I have never tried to impose it on any of them, and I would never judge any of them for their choices. I just wish they could do the same for me.

Hugs to you!! Thanks for replying. <3

[rheagan]

The easiest way I have found to explain to people that I can't eat x,y,z is to say "I've been dealing with some allergy issues and I've been told (you don't have to say by who) to stay away from these foods for a while". When you throw in the allergy thing, people don't tend to argue, at least that has been my experience.

It is unfortunate when those closest to us can't support us. Thankfully, it sounds like at least your husband does. My husband has been one of my biggest cheerleaders through all of this and I don't think I would have made the progress I have without him! The community aspect of health is soooo important and it is really sad when our families can't or won't fill that role, but thankfully there are places like this to help fill that void!

[freeholder]

You are blessed to have a supportive husband. One of the issues with my former in-laws was our gluten-free diet, which they totally did not understand, making comments like your in-laws have made. We weren't even on paleo or AIP at the time -- didn't know about it. I wish my husband had been supportive with dealing with his parents.

What I finally had to do, not just because of diet issues, there were a lot of issues with them, was totally avoid the in-laws. The stress from spending every holiday and birthday, etc., was so bad I couldn't enjoy those days at all, and I finally got tired of it. I must say that my life is so much more peaceful and stress-free now -- I was beginning to have heart issues and those are gone. It wasn't all my in-laws, but they were definitely a major problem.

Since you are a Christian, and you believe they are, too, praying for them would be the number one priority. Second, if you were able to share small amounts of information with them, do you think they would read it? Some of Sarah's blog posts could be very useful for that purpose. I would find and start with one where she tells what her credentials are, so they know she's not just some internet whackjob! They still may not listen; then you come to having to avoid them altogether, which may be difficult for your relationship with your husband so be sure to talk this over carefully with him. Stress is as bad for your health as the broken diet regime, so if visiting with them is causing you stress, that in itself is reason to limit or stop those visits. Before I gave up on having anything at all to do with my in-laws, I limited our visits to half an hour with no food involved. That did help, and if diet had been the only problem it might have been sufficient. Keep in mind that just because someone is a Christian, doesn't necessarily mean that they have all wisdom, LOL! None of us do -- only God can claim that.

If your relationship with them is otherwise pretty good, you might try to find other ways to spend time together where food isn't involved, or where you each bring some, like a picnic at the park, or some other recreational outing you would all enjoy. If they are willing to have a list of what you can't eat, that would be a good thing to provide, too. And try to be kind. They don't have the incentive that you do to be careful about your diet; I know that my youngest daughter and I have been gluten-free for over twenty years, and it took a long time to adapt to a different way of eating. It's hard for someone who doesn't have (or doesn't realize they have) diet-related health problems to understand the extreme necessity of being CAREFUL! It's unfortunate that some people don't seem to be able to empathize with health problems that they can't actually see, but that's the way it is.

So I guess, to sum it up, my recommendations are to pray, try to work things out with them, and if you can't, with your husband's full cooperation, limit or remove their presence in your lives.