Desperate mental and gut issues

[amyod]

Hello, I am new here and reaching out in absolute desperation. My issues are complex and my story could take up pages and pages so I will try keep to the bare bones!

I have had anxiety since I was a small child and this got quite bad when I was a teen. I missed days of school as I refused to leave my bed and cried and cried that I couldn't deal with the pressure. I had no ability to handle stress (never did much sport). I pretended I was sick a lot, took a lot of antibiotics, ate badly. I didn't realise until about 5 years ago but all I really found pleasure in was food. I over ate, ate my emotions etc. Aged 23 I suddenly had a feeling of fulness that wouldnt go away. I didnt feel hunger at all. I stopped eating except for fruit and yogurt. I had always eaten tonnes of fruit. The more I ate th e more I wanted. I was delighted at first as I lost tonnes of weight, but I noticed that I wanted sweetness all the time. I began bingeing sporadically. I started a new job, couldnt deal, the wailing began again, as did the bingeing. 

I went to Mexico to live, decided to finally tackle the constant stomach issues (literally no hunger sensations, but lots of bingeing). I went to doctor after doctor and they just threw antibiotics at me. My cravings became worse and worse as did my anxiety. Oddly, while on the antibios my anxiety lifted, only to be worse once I came off them. This went on and on. Last year I got a weird pain under my ribs on the right side, not my gallbladder, and began crying as soon as I ate, and had the worst suicidal thoughts that came out of nowhere, I cried intensely, and they were gone and I was happy as anything. Too weird. Test showed high levels of salmonella. More antibios. Then parasites. More antibios in August 2014. (Flagyl 10 days). When I came off the Flagyl, my life disappeared. I was constantly moving between tears, rstless anxiety, determined anxiety and listlessness. I changed every 15 mins. I couldnt eat anything and dropped about 12kgs in a 10 days as my body couldn't let anything inside it. Even water caused unbearable pain. The mind changes were the worst though. I came home to Ireland in September, after a fecal transplant!, and things have got worse and worse. Mentally anyway. My stomach is still terrible but I have put back on all the weight, through near constant bingeing. I swing between eating 30 cookies, 5 pieces of bread and anythign I can get my hands on and having a calm attitude towards food that I never had in my life. My moods are much the same. Suicidal, wailing for hours and hours, asking my family to kill me, and then it lifts and I am zen. Too zen. Even if I wanted to get sad/angry/laugh I couldnt. The crying cannot be contained until it is all out, however much I breathe deeply. Something as small as belching can change my mood from very anxious, to slightly less so immediately. It is so upsetting. Then when I feel zen I cant remember how upsetting it is. It is not an exaggeration to say I no longer feel human. I feel my mind is dictated by my digestion. Bingeing tends to give me a few hours where I feel like myself, before things get worse.

I had to take laxatives recently for a procedure and the suicidal wailing was worse than ever. My system is so fragile that any kind of change in the gut makes the depression so much worse. I honestly do not like being alive at the moment. Everyone thinks I am delusional. When I am more like myself even I think I am delusional as these things don't seem possible.  I am desperate to save myself but don't know how. I have also adopted some extraordinary actions such as hitting myself very hard with the side of a fist on my head. I have bruised both forehead and hand considerably in this way. I feel I need to burst out of my skin I am so anxious and then I belch and suddenly the anxiety calms. This is not pain related. I have had terrible gas pain 24 hours a day in my gut for 6 years. It has never stopped for a moment. 

If I am honest I thikn I am beyond help and am just biding time until I do the unthinkable. I would never ever consider such action if I felt I could get better. For 6 years I have had the same amount of gas whether I eat a piece of carrot or 3 slices of toast and pate. I have never been able to tell what foods were hurting me or helping. I did SCD/GAPS/Paleo for a bit (a few weeks) and always lost lots of weight quickly, but the gas never went down at all so I could never tell what foods to eat. Today I had Vega testing done and it turns out chicken, eggs, nuts, dairy are a no go, but the lady said most grains were ok!!  just dont know what to do. 

I'm attending a funcitonal doctor, had stool sample test that showed everything normal-good levels of good bacteria, no pathogenic bacteria, a little candida but nothing too bad, a few common parasites-blood tests normal ( I even have quite high Vit D), though I have no oestrogen and extremely high cortisol levels. I want this to be in my head, I really really really do, but it just makes no sense that I am fine, I get the sensations of depression/anxiety, then the thoughts come, then tears or a belch or I pass a stool, and then I'm a little better. Or I get days like today where I have been pretty good all day. Though I had the worst binge of my life yesterday so the sugar in my system might be giving me a false sense of wellness. 

I think I have tonnes of undigested fat in my stool as there are lots of white dots throughout them that are easy to squash. Sorry!!!

If anyone has any ideas what could be happening, please please share. The fact that things are not only this bad, but that at times I feel better than I have ever felt (no cravings etc.) albeit only about 5% of the time, makes me think things are just too bad. I am so very frightened and can only live from moment to moment be it a good or bad moment. I spend the bad moments wishing I were anyone else in the world, and the good moments, well when they happen my mind won't let me remember how the bad felt so I just have to live what is. Still, good isn't the correct description. I still don't feel like me. 

I'm sorry to have gone on so long. 
Thank you so much
Take care
Amy

[octobergirl]

Wow, I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this. I haven't visited this board in a long time, and I don't visit often, but I saw your post and saw that nobody responded, so I thought I'd respond. First, don't give up hope. I know it's hard not to just want the pain to end, whether it is physical or emotional.

I've dealt with binge eating in the past, and a lot of it was related to sugar. Have you ever read the book "Potatoes Not Prozac" by Kathleen DesMaisons? She talks about sugar addiction in there and how it relates to depression/anxiety. I found that once I stopped eating sugar (in addition to other things like wheat and grains and things that I was sensitive to), my anxiety and depression were mostly gone. Sugar can really mess with your moods and it can be very addictive, once you have a taste you want more and more. I can understand that aspect. I suggest you looking into that book or anything to do with sugar addiction as a start. It does also give you a feeling of well being after eating it, which is why we are so likely to eat more to continue our feelings of well being, but we end up needing more and more to get the same effect.

It really sounds like your mental symptoms are tied with you gut, especially since you said that when you were on antibiotics, your anxiety and depression was relieved. Have you ever been tested for anything like SIBO, which could be the cause of your gas? Or have you tried a low FODMAP diet?

I know many people aren't into meds, but you have thought about going to a counselor and or psychiatrist to see if they can help or even prescribe you some meds that may help with the anxiety and depression. Even if you don't want to be on them forever, maybe they could help in the meantime until you figure something out. There are certain things too that require medication. I just recently listened to a podcast of a women who did a paleo diet but had to use medication for her bipolar disorder, because there are no natural therapies that can help it, but her diet combined with medication keep it in check. Believe me, I was antimeds for a long time, but in certain situations it is a necessity. I couldn't have survived with out meds for my Crohn's despite all the dietary changes I've made.

I hope you can find some relief. I'm sure it seems like an insurmountable task, but you can take it little by little, and just keep trying things until you find something that works. Hang in there.

[amyod]

Thank you so much for your reply. I feel so alone and crazy at the moment. Things are unbearable. I am on quite strong medication and even spent a week in a psychiatric hospital. I want it to be in my head but know it isn't. My family think it is and so as I decline they think I'm not trying. I don't know where to go. I have just finished a week of he'll. Unable to sit still for even a minute. Suddenly I'm calm, but unnaturally calm. I want to be upset about the my life is but can't be. I am unable to explain it. I ignored symptoms for years. Constant gas, brain for, worsening depression and anxiety, exhaustion. I feel autistic sometimes and hit myself. I'm so obsessive and repetitive. Apologies. I must have such a leaky gut that it is controlling my mind. That sounds like psychosis I know but it seems to be what is happening